Colleague Help

The Impossible Colleague

Most people use the term personality conflict to describe this

situation. I don't like that term because it implies that the problem

is largely unfixable since it is unlikely that either you or the other

person is going to change their personalities. To get anything

constructive out of this you are going to have to get down to

specific behaviours, not personalities.

Some background things to consider. These situations tend to occur

over time. Small annoying behaviours left unattended move to

bigger more annoying behaviours. You indicate that you tried

to ignore these things at the beginning, and that probably

contributed to the problem. Consider these basic principles:

In any relationship, both people influence the other's behavior.

In almost every conflict situation, both parties bear some

responsibility for where "things are at".

Focusing on blame will just drive you crazy. The key to these

situations is to focus on what YOU can do to make things

better

. It doesn't matter who is at fault, if your concern is

to make things better.

You have little control over the personality, and even

behavior of another person. Your best bet is to focus on

your own behaviour change. Ask yourself: What am I doing

that contributes to this unpleasant situation, and What can

I do to change what I am doing. It sounds like what you are

doing now isn't working so you have to look for another approach.

Here are some ideas:

1. At a time when both you and the other person or calm,

ask if you can talk to them (do it privately-this is between

the two of you). Approach the situation in a non-accusatory

manner (not easy if you are frustrated). Try something like this:

John, I've noticed that you and I seem to have our differences.

I have some ideas about how we might be able to work more

effectively together, but I would like to know from you what

I can do to help. Can you think of anything I could be doing

so we could get along better?

Follow his up with proper listening, so John knows you are

truly concerned and interested.

When possible find things to agree on, and offer something.

If the conversation is going well, you might want to make a

request (one is good). Like the following:

John, what would help me is that when we are at meetings and

I am talking, that you wait until I am finished to make your

comments, since it really distracts me if you talk before I am

finished, and I can't listen properly to you when I am distracted.

2. Since you are clearly frustrated, it is likely that you are doing

things that convey your frustration to the other person.

You shouldn't have to take abuse and smile, but neither

should you be attacking or reacting in kind. It is important

that you deal with things firmly, but nicely, and without

dramatics. No eye-rolling, no heavy sighing, no guerrilla

activities. If the other person is rude or nasty to you, you

can respond with quiet dignity and set limits regarding the

specific behaviours, but if you react angrily, you will almost

always make the situation worse.

3. Immediately stop making the situation one for public

discussion or discussion with other staff members. This is

disruptive to the organization, but worse, it will make it more

difficult to fix the situation. When you gossip about someone

else, you tend to focus on the worst parts, and paint that person

in a negative way. That affects your thinking and actually shortens

your patience, particularly when you get covert support from

others. Do you want to win or do you want to fix the problem

(Note: you usually can't "win".

4. The time to have dealt with this situation was early on,

with a combination of politeness, firmness, and limit setting.

In some situations, the conflict has become so polarized that

you may need help in dealing with it, both practically, and

personally, to change your way of looking at it. One possibility

is to talk to your manager and explain the situation as objectively

as possible. That means saying something like: John and I seem

to be having some trouble getting along, and it seems to be

affecting everyone". Please don't go in trying to convince the

"boss" how bad the other person is...it just makes you look

like the problem.